13th father's day without my daddy
Every time a significant date to my Dad - Father's Day, his birthday, the day he died, etc - rolls around I feel like I should make a post about him either here or on Facebook or what have you. Like I owe it to him to keep his memory alive, because if I won't who will? Or something.
But then I wonder... do people judge me for this? Like, should I be over it by now? Does it get easier? I've been asking myself this question lately. Does losing someone you love - arguably one of the two most important people in your life - ever get easier?
Sure, the day-to-day stuff is easier... I no longer have the urge to call him every morning like I used to, I don't expect him to call me and ask where I want to go for dinner, but I think the fact that I lost him when I was 14 will never be easy. It sucks knowing that he's been gone from my life almost as long as he was in it, and there's so much he's missed out on and so much he will miss out on. Every happy event for the past 12 and a half years of my life has been bittersweet. There's always a lingering thought in the back of my mind, and often a few tears, that he's missing out on all this. And it's not fair.
I wish he could have been at my graduation, helped me move to TN for college.. I wish he could meet Josh, walk me down the aisle one day, and I wish he had gotten the opportunity to be a Grandpa. Because I know he would have been a great one.
I'm thankful for the years we had together though, and all that he taught me while he was here. Most importantly, the best gift he could have ever given me - about a month before he died, I asked him what would happen when he died (not knowing it would be so soon, obviously) and he confidently said that he would go to Heaven. At the time I had no idea you could know for sure what would happen to you when you die, so I asked him how he knew. He told me because he believed that Jesus died for him. I'm thankful for the hope I have that I will see him again one day.
I love you, Dad. And I miss your Butterfly Kisses.